And I quote? - Humor

And I quote? What happens when my mind wonders and things escape from my mouth!

Humor

"ATTENTION ALL BODY PARTS! Due to a miscommunication in a mental memo released a few months ago; our Butt, Mid-Section & Neck departments have suffered from rapid growth. Parties unnamed confused weight loss as a negative and weight gain as positive. Corrections are being implemented immediately with our Mouth and Brain to avoid this conflict in the future. Thank you for your patience and we apologise for any inconvenience. Have great day!
Health Management"
- Khaili

"So, I got into another fight with the gym this morning. Listening to everyone telling me to just go in there and push it as hard as you can! Did that and ended up with a butt whupping. But that's ok; next time I'll sneak up on when nobody is there or looking. That way I can tell people I won no matter what happens." - Khaili

"Remember, what your body tells you is very different than what it says to everyone else. Only you can ensure it says what you want people to say about you!"- Khaili

"Funny statement of the day: I felt bad because I poured Red Passion Alize in my tea this morning and I asked myself if that was the sign of a drinking problem. Then one of me answered, "Nope, we will have no problem drinking it at all" - Khaili

"Love is the new Black! ...glad I'm blessed to be covered in it…" - Khaili

"My love of words is deep enough to make me a cunning-linguist...the talents of a gifted tongue releases expressions of the greatest pleasures…" - Khaili

‎
"Child: If godliness is next to cleanliness, then why were we made from dirt? God wanted us to be dirty and natural so why do I have to take a bath?
Mom: Because after God made you he left me in charge and if you don’t I will beat the dirt off you until you want to be closer to God."
- Khaili

“My multiple personalities just gave my ego a surprise intervention.” – Khaili

“Can a tall person ever really upper cut a midget...and if you were to fight one would they be disqualified for too many LOW blows?” - Khaili

“There's not enough alcohol in my liquor!” – Khaili

“My palm keeps itching...maybe it means I will soon gain a wealth of hand soap, sanitizer and lotions!” – Khaili

“My conscience had the nerve to tell me I'm selfish and self-serving. As long as I've known him all he ever does is think about himself.” – Khaili

“Uuummmmm...the heat coming off of your thigh lets me know just how moist you are. The subtle carves of your plump juicy breasts are simply mouth watering as I hold them gently. The golden hue of your ample and meaty legs, glisten as I lift them and pull the ever so close to my lips...AH ummm! SIR DO YOU WANT TO BUY SOME CHICKEN OR WHAT?” – Khaili

“Yesterday, I did too much at once and still ran out of time, so today I will do twice as less, so I will have time left over for tomorrow. Nothing like having time on credit…Idiot Proven Time Management!” – Khaili

“OK! I figured it out and all the doctors couldn't. I suffer from a severe allergic reaction to stupidity.” - Khaili

“She said, "How have you been feeling?" I said, " With my hands mostly!" Haha I'm funny...this is what happens when you get to drink Corona at work.” - Khaili

“Today I shall smile like a puppy with peanut butter stuck to the roof of her mouth and laugh like a baby with hiccups and gas. The only things that will bring me down are slopes, stairs, and elevators.” - Khaili

“If my words and thoughts got in an argument and decided to ignore each other how would I know?” -Khaili

“Thinking about starting a solitaire team for anti-social nonconformist!” – Khaili

“You are right, I was wrong and I am speechless?...What are three things women rarely say but are guaranteed to shock any man.” – Khaili

“A happy woman is a quiet woman! A happy man is proof that she is actually quiet. Sometimes a smile just says it all!” – Khaili

“Sometimes I feel I am surrounded by Ultra Edified Idiots! The planets must be aligning for the world to come to an end. Nothing worse than really smart stupid people. They know a whole lot of nothing.” – Khaili

"Comedy is life’s positive allergic reaction to stress and pain. So, I’ll laugh ‘til it hurts." - Khaili

"Stupidity and ignorance kills brain cells…Just Say I Know!" - Khaili

“Suffering from bitchassness or got a pain in the ass. Give’m ASSWHUPIN’! Nothing says relief like some good old fashion ASSWHUPIN’ like grandma used to give. Now comes in black-n-blue, old school and original Red. **Caution: Application may cause severe bleeding.” - Khaili

“If you are not sure who wears the pants in your house maybe you all should wear shorts.” – Khaili

“No sir, yelling "Look Out!" at the blind person about to walk into something, does not make you a Good Samaritan.” – Khaili

“I’m telling people I train circus puppies and grow orange lemons from now on when they ask me How am I doing?, just to make sure they are paying attention or really mean it.” - Khaili

“On the wall it was written: “A wise man always keeps an idiot friend as company to learn from his mistakes.” The two students turned and stirred at one another in stupefaction. Which friend are you?” - Khaili

“Bulls#!t is best served cold with a side-order of Phucku! I think I’m full, no room for a 2nd helping!” - Khaili

"Bags, shoes, makeup, credit...life's gifts to women. Bags to carry around all the shit gathered through life. Shoes to walk all over loved ones in your life. Makeup to cover up all of the crying from stressing out over everything in life. Credit the one thing that you will always love a man for but never give him in life. Men are here to complain to, complain about and tell you you're right when you're wrong about life." - Khaili

"You are what you eat …well that explains why so many people are so full of Shit!" - Khaili